I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
