I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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