dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
