I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
