Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
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You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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