Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
