did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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