Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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