your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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