Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
