Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
