I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
