i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
