Old men and throwing up are my life now.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
