watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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