I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
