you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
