Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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