That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
