Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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