You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
