he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
