Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
