Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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