Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
