I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
where am i from again
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
