She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
