im drinking this country out of the recession.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
