The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
