where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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