At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
