4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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