How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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