my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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