My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
