Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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