you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
