I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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