I met the friendliest cop last night
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
