I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
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He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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