I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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