dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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