I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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