I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
