why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
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I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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