Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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