You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
