I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
