i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize