Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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