Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
