Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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