I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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