Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
