Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Your dad touched me again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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